why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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