and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
