saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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