I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you had me at cake vodka
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
