i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
