i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
