So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
