you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Someone shattered a urinal.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
