i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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