do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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