The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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