I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
