Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
