What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
