i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
