My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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