I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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