By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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