there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
