I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
