Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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