He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
