the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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