Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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