How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
