he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
