Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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