I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
