can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
