his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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