I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
