i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
