the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't put those talents on a resume
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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