OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
