Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
