dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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