Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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