On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
