Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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