I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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