I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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