Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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