Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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