I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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