I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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