i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
