What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.