just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
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the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole