I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed