I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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