I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
