News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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