She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He? As in you personified your dick?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
