yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
