I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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