i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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