Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
