This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
